Study Finds Most NYC Cabbies Illegal Aliens

    Having trouble communicating with your cab driver lately? Well, we're not alone. Up to 85% of NYC cabbies are aliens, many of them illegal. Ben Better, a clinically depressed out patient at Bellvue Hospital is not surprised. "I'm bummed," Ben said. " The other day I was having a particularly bad day. It was raining and I was really tired, I've been sick you know, and well, I just didn't want to go outside but I had to because I had an appointment with Dr. Gladly. Dr. Glady says he's always happy to see me but I don't believe him. Anyway, I hailed a cab and it was one of these, these aliens, you know, and I ask him to take me to Bellvue. Next thing I know I'm in Philly standing in front of the Liberty Bell with a bunch of school kids from Iowa asking me where the bathroom was. Do you think these shoes look OK? I don't like them. They're too tight and and the laces,... oh I can go on about the laces!"

    Unfortunately, Mr. Better's experience is not unique. On any given day, thousands of New Yorkers are either taken to the wrong address or forced to endure extended rides because the alien cabbies don't understand the directions. Gad Zooks, an alien cabbie from the Libera Galaxy thinks the aliens are getting a bad rap. "I think rap is bad", Zooks said. "All us Liberals want to do is come to your place here and qualify for free health care. In our Galaxy, we have to pay for our own health care but I heard that your President is giving out Universal health coverage to everyone, even aliens. So we come for that. I'm especially interested in the dental coverage."

    The study didn't address whether or not the situation would change should Universal Health Care be defeated in Congress. Researchers are currently trying to determine if the influx of aliens will help expedidite former President Bush and NASA's plan on moving the rest of us to Mars by 2012. Meanwhile the current administration is going ahead with plans to build a spaceport since financing has already been approved as part of the Stimulus Bill in the Galaxy Recovery Act.